When my husband and I decided to start trying for another baby and add to our family, we were hopeful that it would happen quickly, as the other kids had. We’d never had any problems with pregnancy and even though it was on my mind as a possibility, it was not really something I thought I would have a problem with. But this time something was different.

I started my pregnancy feeling something about the pregnancy was a little off. Being a mom of three might have helped me be more in tune with my body, or maybe I would have known anyways. I was late for my period by several days, hopeful that this was the baby we were wanting, so I took a pregnancy test and saw a faint positive. Uncertain, I took another test and saw the same thing. I decided to wait a day. The results were the same. The next day, I took another test. Nothing. Just a big, fat, ugly minus sign.

I knew then that the baby that was forming inside me wouldn’t make it to birth. I started bleeding at what I estimated to be between five and six weeks. I Googled what the baby would look like when it passed and how it would feel. Like a normal period was what they all said. They were right. It was just like a normal period except with more emotions.

There was no attachment to the pregnancy at this point, because I assumed something was wrong from the beginning. And yet, I looked at the blood, wishing to see something that finalized the pregnancy for me. I didn’t see anything, and I moved on with my life, crying a little each day for the next week or so. I don’t know when the crying stopped. There were lots of prayers trying to understand why it was that this had happened and lots of prayers asking Jesus to get me through the pain. It was through these times in prayer that God showed me how he was using the otherwise painful, awful situation for His good.

Friends and family felt bad for me and said they were sorry. I didn’t want their sympathies, after all, I wasn’t very far along in the pregnancy and I hadn’t gotten attached. It wasn’t a big deal. Yet, mentally I mourned. And I wrote, like I’m writing now, because I want to share how hope can remain, in the midst of pain. The writing and journaling gave me an outlet as I struggled to get back to normal and consequently accept that I was not okay like I thought I was.

Social media made it hard to forget as more people announced their pregnancies, and that they were due in October, the month I was supposed to deliver. The more I unfollowed those pregnant women, the easier it became to deal with what happened to me. I needed time to process the emotions surrounding miscarriage. I was sad because of what should have been and I processed my true feelings instead of what others were feeling or telling me what I should feel. Oddly, I found that my mourning hadn’t gone away. To this day, tears still come and even though it’s a few months ago, it’s still real and still painful. “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (Romans 12:11-12 NIV)

These verses in Romans were words I found a foundation to stand on as I went through the time during and after the miscarriage. Patient in affliction gave me new endurance as I got through the feelings of losing the baby, and as we started trying for another baby. It was also in the months after I miscarried, that I went through a time of spiritual stagnation where I fought to keep my zeal. Zeal is having a pursuit of something and I wanted to pursue Jesus. I got to the point where I knew I needed to have Him heal me, not just once but continually. This process of healing is at its beginning and like with any healing of a loss, it will take time. Thankfully when we draw close to him, he draws close to us “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.” (Psalm 145:17-19 NIV)

I’m currently pregnant. I made it past the point where I miscarried before. I am still afraid to hope everything is okay and the baby will be born alive, at full term, in December. Every time I sit down to go to the bathroom, I wipe, hoping there’s no blood. Every twinge, pull or stretch, I worry just like all mothers, that something is wrong.

Pregnancy after miscarriage has surprised me. There is an odd mix of emotions - hope that the baby will survive, anxiety about the pregnancy and then being joyful that we were able to get pregnant again. I don’t think I’ll fully release a breath until the baby is born because I’m waiting to see what happens. As we continue the pregnancy, my husband and I are slowly making plans and dreams for what happens when the baby is born. We can’t wait to welcome the little one to the world and as we wait expectantly, we’re joyful, hopeful and prayerful. This baby will be different because it is our rainbow baby, something we hadn’t expected.

Miscarriage