Thanksgiving evening, dinner was finished and dishes loaded into the dishwasher. Everyone scattered to their respective place in the house and I remained in my seat at the dining room table. Poetry flowed from my fingertips to the notes app on my phone; I wasn't thankful, instead I was lamenting. Pity party for one and I was the star of the show.

I want to be chosen

thought of

looked after

I want someone to know I am strong

so they ask how my heart is

because they know I carry the weight

of the world atop these shoulders

Sometimes the loneliness

crashes into my chest

like white cap waves

off the Atlantic

Makes me question

everything

My worthiness

Why no one stays

Or picks me

Why I'm too much

so extra and

demanding

I want to run away

Far from this life

Be anew

Easier, softer

Not so opinionated

What is this life

and it's purpose

I cry out to my Savior

I can't hear Him speak

Not even five minutes after writing that my brother walks into the room and initiates conversation. We share in our struggle of dealing with the feeling of abandonment, living through divorce forges bonds no one asked for. The Holy Spirit stirs inside me and without taking a breath I'm proclaiming the goodness of Jesus. People who are supposed to love you unconditionally will walk away, people won't choose you, you won't be good enough in some eyes. It will absolutely hurt and may even cause scar-tissue to form a fortress around your heart.

But I know a Man who left His throne to choose us. I'm preaching to myself as much my brother when I say no matter who else walks away, Jesus never will. He knows my faults and downfalls better than anyone, yet He calls me righteous. Jesus experienced similar hurts and betrayals we have. He endured sacrifice so we may have life abundant. He's proven time and time again that He will leave the 99 to chase after me. I am chosen because He said I am.

I realized in that moment when I call out my fears and give them a name, when I admit to myself and to Jesus what I'm struggling with, the burden is lifted. Disappointment still stings, however, it isn't crippling and it doesn't define who I am. To struggle and deal with an array of emotion is to be human. I can feel the totality of my humanness, yet have a deep knowing of the co-existent holiness I posses. Reminding myself that I am God's chosen feeds holiness instead of humanness. Wrongdoings, affliction, self-pity have to dissipate quickly or they overtake holiness.

These days God checks my sin immediately and in the same breath reminds me who I am, in Him. Despite the faults I find in myself, He still chooses me. I am thankful and overwhelmed by His constant love and grace.

If you're struggling with your identity in Christ or feeling forgotten by man, here are a few verses that prove God's chosen you:

John 10:10
John 15:16
Deuteronomy 7:6-8
Luke 15:3-7

Chosen by God