Search Me, Oh God
When I spend time in the Psalms, I’m often struck by the emotions in David’s words.
“Lord, listen to me and answer me. I am poor and helpless. Protect me, because I worship you. My God, save me, your servant who trusts in you. Lord, have mercy on me, because I have called to you all day. Give happiness to me, your servant, because I give my life to you, Lord.” (Psalm 86:1-4, New International Version)
The back and forth — feeling as if God has gotten up and walked away while also praising God for the littlest of things — I get it. I get the emotional highs and lows of walking with Christ. The seasons that leave us feeling as though God has pulled over to the side of the road and let us out, and the seasons where God feels so close we can almost feel his breath on our skin. It’s a part of walking with God and being human.
Our emotions fail us time and time again, but the One who spoke the world into motion never will. This stands as a reminder for this fragile heart, that my God doesn’t fail me. He doesn’t walk away when the emotions run high. Rather, He draws in closer.
The prayer that seems to slip past my lips is, “Search me, Oh God.” This prayer asks that He opens the closet and pulls out the boxes I’ve stored away. These boxes store things that have been too heavy to hold. Sometimes my emotions seem to get the best of who I am and this prayer begs the one who put the breath in my lungs to search me for something that my emotions can’t convey.
I’ve always found David’s emotions mirror my own. Ours, I should say. Ours, because we, like David, have emotions that speak to our relationship with Christ. We were given emotions for a reason, a gift that doesn’t always feel like a gift. These emotions allow us to see the heart of the Father clearer.
In the moments when the emotions threaten to spill over, I’m reminded that Jesus wept, too. He felt the emotions we feel — the ones we often feel plagued with. He wept, because He, like us, was designed with emotions with the Father’s heart in mind. Made in the image of God, emotions and all.
David gets it. He understands that a relationship with the Lord means questioning and pain. Tears and anger, but also the utmost joy that fills in the cracks left behind. The more I sit in the Psalms, walking through the emotions David named so clearly, I’m reminded to come to the Lord’s feet with my emotions. We need to come with the good ones that are easy to hold and the heavy ones we need to sit down with. We need to allow our heart to be shaped like David’s; a beautifully emotional crafted mess.
