When I first heard that we would be focusing on the topic of “reflection” this month, I was excited. I was ready to dig in, pray and see what the Lord has to say about the value of reflecting. Taking the time to sit and think deeply upon things with the Lord is so valuable — it can lead to healing and freedom — and I was ready to explore these things with you.

Then COVID-19 hit. News of the coronavirus started to fill my social media and news feeds. I was no longer able to go to work, but was forced to work from home. My regular outlets and routines were suspended with no estimate of when life would return to normal.

My desire to reflect and spend extended time processing through things with the Lord evaporated.

I’ve been living my new normal for over a month now, and all I’ve longed for is busyness and entertainment. I don’t want to be silent or still. I don’t want to think deeply about anything because, honestly, it sounds exhausting. I’m already fatigued enough. I have much preferred to suppress anything I might be feeling because processing through any emotion right now seems daunting.

Last week, however, I noticed my behavior starting to change, and not for the better. I found myself getting more and more impatient. I became quickly frustrated with people. Simple things that wouldn’t have overtly bothered me were now all that I could focus on. Whenever I notice myself growing angrier and less peace-filled, I know it’s a clear sign to look inward and examine my heart with the Lord. I was not created to walk in anger and frustration, so when those become my primary emotions, something is out of alignment.

I’ve been experiencing this strange push and pull with reflection ever since. I know that I need to stop and look deeply at myself. I need to spend time with the Lord, baring my soul to Him and asking Him to unearth those things that I would rather remain hidden. Yet, I simply don’t want to.

During this season, I’ve been finding comfort in the stories of the prophets. These were amazing men of God who were used in incredible ways to bring reluctant people back to Him. Yet, some of these men ran away from God and His calling on their life. God’s commands to them grated on their desires, so they bolted. Thankfully, we can’t hide from God.

God told Jonah to go and preach to a group of people he despised. When Jonah said an emphatic “no,” and ran away with the fervor of a hormonal teenager, God sent a giant fish to greet him. Jonah hung out in the belly of that fish for three days and nights. He didn’t want to process through things with the Lord in that isolated space, surrounded with fish guts and no wifi. We don’t know what transpired over those days; we just know that he was stuck in there for 72 hours. Maybe Jonah was being stubborn and insolent, trying to wait out God. Or perhaps he wept for three days. Or maybe he was so exhausted that he slept for three days — we don’t know.

But we do know one thing: God was kind to Jonah while he was hidden away from the world.

Sometimes we don’t reflect when we know we need to; there could be a hundred different reasons for this, all of which I think are valid. Yet, God is patient and loving with us. He’s not impatiently tapping His foot or angrily commanding us to come over and reflect with Him. Instead, He is graciously and ever so gently calling us back to Him. He’s inviting us into His presence, not to condemn or chastise, but to reveal and restore.

Reflecting is hard, and in this season it’s especially difficult, but God is good in the midst of it. We don’t need to be the perfect reflectors who are always aware of our internal environments — He celebrates the attempts. No matter how we’re feeling or how long it’s been since we sat in stillness, let’s choose to sit with Him today.

Let’s set a timer today, for just 5 minutes, to sit with God and ask him, “What are you saying to me?” It might be awkward, scary or seem silly, but I’m proud of you for the attempt, and He’s cheering you on the entire way.

The Push & Pull