With the turn of the season, many of us celebrate the crispness in the air and take advantage of all of the yummy smells and tastes that come with it. All of the hues of yellow, orange, and red bring a wave of delight to our world. There is just nothing quite like open windows on a chilly October morning holding a cup of coffee while sitting under an oversized knit blanket.

There is a stillness to this season.

For many women, however, one in four to be exact, the stillness of the season is an awfully painful reminder of smells, sights, and sounds that were robbed away too suddenly. While we celebrate the beauty that is ushered in during October, may we pause to consider the one in four women that sit in the pain that comes with it being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

In the stillness, there are mamas all around us silently reflecting on the scent of a newborn they held briefly, if ever, the coos and the babbles they will never hear, and the pitter patter of feet on the hardwoods longed for, but only imagined.

I am the one in four. I am the one in four many times over.

There are not words that can adequately describe the pain that comes with the loss of a baby. Nothing could have prepared my heart or mind for the love that was experienced only to so quickly be turned to grief. Over the last three years, and after multiple miscarriages, I wrestled with guilt, anger, depression, and sadness that entered into depths I did not know existed until life was taken so suddenly from within me.

In the midst of it all, One thing remained - God was overwhelmingly faithful.

That truth was not suddenly stumbled upon in the depths, but rather it was truth that had been found over the years as I faced disappointments, failures, and obstacles to my faith. Over and over again, as a young teenager, a college student trying to find my place in the world, and as a newlywed adapting to living as one with another imperfect person, God has always shown up, He has always remained faithful. So, why would this circumstance be any different? Easy, absolutely not in any sense of the word, but I had been prepared by years of His faithfulness to trust that He would remain so through my darkest days.

In every season, I have found the words of Job ring through my heart with so much truth, “Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10, New American Standard Bible)

There have been friends along the journey of multiple losses that have said things along the lines of ‘how could you still love God,’ ‘why has God turned a deaf ear to your desires,’ and ‘was I sure that God truly cared about me?’ Much like Job, my response, hopefully, has pointed to a loving Father that was always enough, is always enough, and will forever be more than enough.

The love of the Father does not depend on my circumstances.

He knit me together perfectly in my mother’s womb and knew me before time. He made no mistakes when making me and He certainly did not withhold from me all that is good. This fallen world has wreaked its havoc through sickness and disease; He has only remained a good, loving, and faithful Father.

It was in the depths of despair that many of these truths have resonated and echoed the loudest. When the world sat in chilling silence, it was into the Father’s embrace that I was able to crawl and feel total security. When sitting there, with my Abba, all was suddenly right. I understood a little more clearly His love, His sacrifice, His passion for me. In the arms of our mighty God, there was comfort and peace that let me know He was enough.

If you find yourself in the midst of loss, I hope you can cling to the good and faithful Father and know that He is enough. It does not mean there will not be months, maybe even years of tears, pain, and ultimately healing, but my prayer is that in the mess of it you will be able to lean into the heart of God and lift up your praises, magnifying all He has been, all He is, and all He will forever be.

He is worthy to be praised for His lovingkindness, even if we cannot feel it for a season. Commit to allowing God to work for His glory through your pain, through your testimony. He will not allow an ounce of your life to be wasted if you give it all to Him. Through the tears, let us proclaim:

“But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning, For You have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my strength, I will sing praises to You; For God is my stronghold, the God who shows me lovingkindness.” (Psalm 59:16-17, NASB)

Through Tears, Let Us Proclaim