Has 2020 worked out for anyone in the ways they hoped on January 1? Despite progress and good times, I can say this year has been a let down in some areas. I have three school-aged children, and our life lessons have been heavy in the category of dealing with disappointment!

One of the areas I can proudly say I’ve grown is in my marriage. A year or two ago, I would have bet good money that a year like this would destroy us. We were fragile and wounded — living out of those places was going to be the death of our union. But God laid a foundation of healing that has allowed our relationship to stay connected and even thrive in a season that has put us all to the test.

Last summer, we were in a pattern of miscommunication and hurt, again. We had a hard talk about how desperately we needed to address some recurring issues. I suggested we go to a counselor. Not because we were on the verge of divorce, but because we were stuck. We needed some expert advice on how to blast the boulder of conflict that was keeping us where we were. Unbiased, outside, Godly help was the key to unlocking the next level of intimacy and connection in our marriage. I will forever be grateful for our time spent with our counselor.

Fast forward to a year full of shutdowns, disappointment and unpredictability. We are using the tools we learned in counseling to navigate the murky waters of 2020. I would love to share a few tips that we’ve used to stay connected.

Pray for your spouse:

I don’t mean a prayer that begs God to change your spouse. I challenge you to ask God to give you eyes to see your spouse like He does. Seek to see your spouse as a child of God and a fellow believer first, then as your helpmate. Ask for compassion for the struggles they have. This route gives your heart a shift to see them as a flawed human in need of a savior...just like you.

Work to always communicate with kindness:

So often we let the day strip us of all our courtesy, and the people we live with get our sloppy seconds. As you enter into connection and communication with your spouse do what you can to take a minute alone to pray and get in a positive mindset. So many times we carry frustrations from our day into our first communications with our spouse and give off a vibe that has little or nothing to do with them personally.

This may sound simple, but I have worked to be in the habit of making sure when my husband comes home, I try to look him in the eye and greet him with a smile and (at least) a quick hello. Despite how my day has been, he deserves a kind welcome into our home after a hard day of work. Later when we get a chance to talk, I’ll share if my day was rough or listen as he gives me a rundown of his day, but those first moments can derail quickly if I unload on him the second he opens the door. This I know from personal experience. No matter how warranted it feels, it won’t end up relieving you of the stress by unloading it onto him two seconds after he comes home.

That type of courtesy should go both ways. A smile and a warm greeting can go a long way to lifting someone’s spirits.

Give grace in abundance whenever you can:

We are all human and we will have bad days. If you notice your spouse being a bit on edge, or seemingly having a shorter fuze than normal, take a moment to pull them aside and ask kindly, “Are you okay? You seem a bit off, is there anything I can do to help?” When asked with a sincere heart, most will either check their behavior or feel seen enough to open up about how they are truly doing in that moment. A great deal of heartache can be side-stepped if we come at tension with kindness first.

“Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” (Proverbs 16:24, New Living Translation)

Tools for Successful Connection in Marriage